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There's a new shopping center going up just down the road from where I work. This is notable because I work way out in the country and up until now there has literally been nothing nearby for miles around. Last week I stopped in at the new shopping center, but nothing was open yet, and much of it was still under construction.

But today I happened to stop by on the way home from work and noticed that the Starbucks was open, so I went in to get something to drink. I was the only customer in the whole place. Can you believe that? A totally empty Starbucks at 7pm on a Thursday evening during rush hour. But of course it is brand new and nobody (except me, apparently) knows about it yet.

The two girls behind the counter were obviously very glad to see someone, and they were very talkative and friendly. Especially the cute redhead at the register with the freckles and the beautiful smile. So I stayed for a few minutes and talked to her.

Tomorrow I plan on riding my bicycle to work, but I'm thinking I could still stop in for a few minutes after work to get an iced tea and chat with her again, even if I'm gonna be wearing bike cleats, bike shorts, and carrying a helmet in my hand. After all, who's gonna care, right? I'll be the only customer.

I'm thinking this is the perfect opportunity to get to know her. And then months from now when she recognizes me each time I come in we can laugh and talk about how we met back when I was the only customer.

I posted an ad on craigslist not too long ago, and for some reason it has generated quite a few responses from people who have no interest in getting together with me. Here's a sampling of what I've received:

One guy wrote:
hey, there's no need to have an affair on the side. I'm jealous... I wish I had a long term, live-in relationship, wife AND KIDS! I love kids. Of course, right now I haven't met anyone to do that with.

If I were in your position, I'd go to the country, have sex outside where someone "might" see you? Take a weekend, or even a week away from your kids. Try some new kinds of sexual activites... explore some.... try new experiences.... it'll probably liven up sex with her. Play rough, have her take control, etc....

Another guy wrote:
nice job with the post... if it works, you will be a god to the rest of us married men in exactly the same situation. Copyright that bad boy before it finds its way to personals across the country.

And then a girl wrote:
You are not going to want to hear this, but why don't you go plan a romantic weekend for her next weekend? Why not surprise her with flowers tonight or ask her to take a long romantic walk together holding hands?

My fiancee just left me 2 weeks ago for the same reason, but he never tried. I am heartbroken and he won't come back. He cheated on me here on CL and it devestated me. Think about what it would do to her if she finds out.

They all have good points. Quite frankly, I'm finding that it's relatively easy to find a girl who will fuck me. But it does me no good because that's not what I want. I want someone I can really connect with on more than just a sexual level. But finding a girl like that who also happens to live nearby and who actually has the time to get together with me is proving to be incredibly difficult. So working on improving things with my wife is starting to look more and more like a better option all the time.

That doesn't mean I'm giving up on meeting other girls. It just means I'm not giving up on my wife quite yet. She's still the one I'd really rather be with, if I could just get her to notice me.

This past weekend I went to a party at a friend's house. He has a cool, restored, bachelor-pad, condo in the city in an old building in a very hip neighborhood. He knows tons of people. And his parties, of which I have been to quite a few over the years, are always a good time. Twice I asked my wife if she wanted to go to the party with me, thinking it would be good for us to spend the evening in a fun setting, flirting with each other and generally having a good time together. But as expected she declined and I ended up having to go by myself. So about halfway through the evening this hot, young, high-school english teacher came up to me and complimented my shirt. I recognized her from the last party, and she said she recognized me too. And then she proceeded to stick by my side and chat with me for the entire rest of the evening. And then when I told her I had to leave she gave me a big hug, pressing her deliciously-tight body very firmly against me. Although I was bummed that my wife refused to go with me, I have to say I wasn't exactly feeling lonely for a change.

A girl came up to me yesterday morning at the bus stop and told me I look just like Clay Aiken. I guess there is a bit of a resemblance, but I'm not sure how to get my hair to stand up like that.

I'm not the kind of person who shares a lot of my feelings with people. Blogging has helped a little because it's one of the few "safe" places where I feel I can talk about stuff without having it come back to haunt me. I wasn't always like this. As a little boy I think I used to be very open about my emotions and my feelings. But over time my crazy mother eventually taught me to keep my feelings inside by ridiculing me whenever I said something that sounded "stupid" to her or whenever I would do something funny that might embarrass her in public. In elementary school I was always the class clown--an open, fun-loving, little boy who delighted in doing things to make people laugh. But by high school I had turned into a serious, quiet, reserved, young man who rarely expressed himself outside of a small circle of very close friends. One of my best friends and roommate all through college often jokes with me about how I share so little with people that he didn't even know my wife was pregnant until he asked me one day when we were going to have kids and I said, "In about 8 weeks," because that's when my daughter was due to be born. In my own young son I see some of the childhood jokester that I used to be. And I see the way he shares his feelings and emotions so openly. And I wonder how long that will last. When I got married I thought I would try to start fresh on a clean slate, so I began opening myself up to my wife, forcing myself to tell her things that I normally would not have told anyone. But I soon found out that even she had a habit of using those things against me later on. So eventually I stopped sharing my secrets with her. People like me don't want to keep things inside. We want to tell people how we feel. What bugs us. What delights us. What scares us. But we're so used to having to protect ourselves by keeping those thoughts hidden that we rarely ever share even the things that we want people to know. And even our best friends have to pry it out of us. I look back on this blog and, quite frankly, I'm amazed at how much I've shared. Sometimes I've backed off when comments have gotten particularly harsh, but for the most part I keep bouncing back, and I think that's a good thing. Maybe it's because I figure that because this blog is anonymous I can always just shut it down if things get out of hand. But thankfully I've never really felt like I wanted to do that. There's still a ton of stuff that I haven't shared about myself on this blog, and probably never will. But if nothing else, you all know how much I like to eat pussy--which pretty much sets you apart from anyone else I know in this world. So thanks. For listening. And for not getting on my case too often.

I've said before that my blog is a good reference for me to go back and find out when was the last time I had sex. Which means I should probably tell you what happened last night, just to keep the archives accurate. Probably because it was Father's day, or maybe because it just happened to be, once again, the right time of the month for her, but regardless, for some reason my wife wore a very hot little outfit yesterday. I knew she wore it for me. And she knew I knew. And at the end of the day she climbed into bed and didn't even bother to change into something else. I had been dying to take it off of her all day anyway, and for once I wouldn't be surprised if she had been thinking the same thing too. So, starting with a massage, and working my way up with kisses and caresses in all the right places, I slowly began to strip her down. Ultimately we ended up naked except for her tight little ribbed tank top which I decided to leave on her so I could see her hard little nipples poking up against the stretchy material (I did manage to unhook her bra and slip it out from underneath). She came quickly and unexpectedly in a way that normally doesn't work for her, while my cock was sliding around, teasing her clit and the opening of her vagina. If I knew that was going to happen I would have cum all over her right then and there, but there was no warning and she came sharp and fast, so I held back. Then, a few minutes later as she was lying there recovering I took the opportunity to kneel down between her legs and take a nice, long, close-up look at her pussy. Gently nudging her lips apart with my fingers I lightly caressed and admired every little inch of that area. She has, without a doubt, the prettiest, most beautiful pussy I have ever seen, in pictures or in person, although she thinks it's goofy when I tell her that. Peering at her, my face only inches away from her sex, I wanted so much to lean down and taste every little fold of skin and run my tongue up and down alongside her clit. But I refrained because she's not into oral sex, even at the height of arousal, and at this point, while she was relaxing after her orgasm, she definitely would not have appreciated it. As it was, she eventually signaled to me that she had had enough of me examining her. So then, after a little more hugging and kissing, I eventually lay down on my back and she proceeded to lay her head on my chest and give me a hand job. That went well for a minute or so, but soon her strokes became slower and slower until eventually she stopped altogether. I couldn't see her face because of the way her head was on my chest, looking down at my cock. But I soon heard her breathing become more rhythmic, and I realized she had fallen asleep. WTF? "Uh...are you done?" I asked jokingly, nudging her a little. She startled a little and laughed, sitting up to look at me. "I guess I fell asleep," she said. "Just like a guy," I laughed, and waited, wondering if she really was done. But after a couple more minutes she roused herself and sat up, indian style, facing me, peeled the tank top off over her head, and proceeded to take up my cock where she had left off. It is one of the hottest things ever to watch her sit there like that, naked, facing me, chest out, shoulders back, while she gives me a hand job. I like to reach up and caress her perky little breasts, her slender arms and shoulders, her long hair. And before long I came all over her hand and my chest, thus finishing off yet another slightly odd and painfully rare session of lovemaking with this girl I married. Stay tuned. If I'm still writing here in another month or two, I'll tell you about the next time.

My wife and kids are out of town this weekend. I called them this morning and my wife answered.

Wife: Oh, hi honey, I just got out of the shower.

KT: What are you wearing?

Wife: Just a towel.

KT: Well, take it off!

Wife: Oh...[giggles]...OK

[brief discussion about how things are going, how the kids are doing, etc.]

KT: Are you still naked?

Wife: [makes some sort of sound that I'll interpret to mean "silly husband"] Well, semi-naked.

KT: I thought you took the towel off?

Wife: Well, it's kind of chilly

KT: If I was there I'd rip it off you and hide it.

Wife: [giggles]

KT: So take it off!

Wife: OK, ok, it's off. What are you wearing?

KT: Shorts and a t-shirt. But I could take them off...

Wife: [giggles some more and makes that silly husband sound again]

[more conversation, and then we're about to hang up]

KT: Still naked?

Wife: yes [more giggles] (She's awfully giggly today, isn't she?)

KT: Mmmmm

Wife: Here's a big hug. A naked hug!

KT: MMMMmmm. I like that. Here's a hug back.

Wife: mmmmmm

[goodbyes, etc.]

I think that's about the closest I've come to sex all month. I think I'll finish it off while I'm thinking about it...

There's something about a seedy punk rock club in the city in the summer on a Thursday night. The way the crowd is packed in and yet everyone is friendly and in good spirits. The familiar smell of sweat and beer and smoke. The way the guys are all decked out in leather and studs and chains. The way the girls are all decked out in leather and studs and chains. The way the singer screams the lyrics so you can't understand him and yet everyone in the audience is singing along. The way the guitarist jumps up and down and you worry that if he jumps any higher he'll hit his head on the low ceiling. The way some guy bumps into you and you feel a huge splash of his sweat douse you as if you just walked under a sprinkler. The way the bartender recognizes you and hands you your bottle of Bass Ale before you can even ask for it. The way you leave her a good tip partly because she recognized you and partly because she's so damn hot that you'd probably leave her a good tip anyway even if she didn't recognize you. The way she smiles and winks at you because she knows you always leave her a good tip. The way the girl with the fake red hair, the see-through white tank top, the black bra, and the low-rise denim capris looks so unbelieveably fuckable and yet she refuses to make eye contact with you. The way the girl leaning against the wall in the tight white t-shirt with the big black under-21 "X" stamp on her wrist keeps smiling at you every time you glance over at her. The way the girls who smile at you always seem to be the ones who are way to young for you. The way the other girl with the 1960's scientist glasses would look so hot if she just took those damn glasses off. The way she somehow looks even hotter with them on.

The way, after getting home, you look at your watch and realize it's freaking 2:16am and you better stop blogging and get the hell to bed.

There is a girl I had a crush on about a year ago. An online friend. I stumbled across her blog one day and fell in love with the way she writes. Eventually we started exchanging emails. And for three short weeks we corresponded, and I found myself thinking about her a lot. It was because of her that I wrote my post on June 22nd. I wanted so much to be able to meet her in person. But for some reason I eventually stopped writing to her. It seems strange now, looking back on it, that I stopped writing to her. I think I was surprised that I had developed such strong feelings for her in such a short amount of time, and maybe I was afraid that she wouldn't be as interested in me as I was in her. I also think I was skittish about the whole thing since she was the first girl I had ever really corresponded with online. And I guess I was afraid of putting a lot of energy into something that would surely never come to fruition due to the physical distance between us. So we lost touch. But I continued to read her blog. And, apparently, she continued to read mine. And then one day this past April she wrote to me. She had watched me change from a man who was simply a little frustrated with his marriage to a man who seemed to be actively looking for an affair, and she was concerned. Concerned because, you see, she had been there, and back, and had the scars to prove it. Even so, I'm finding it hard to heed her warning. I now believe (partly because of something she told me) that it's not really sex that I crave. Nor is it love. I have both already. The sex could be better and more frequent, but it's not like we never, ever do it. And the love is there in abundance. No, it's not sex or love that I crave. It's desire. And by that I mean that I crave a relationship with a woman who really, truly desires me. A woman who lusts after me. A woman who can't wait for me to come home from work so she can jump me and wrestle me to the floor and fuck me right there in the foyer. If I had someone who felt that way about me I'm not even sure that I would need to have full-blown sex. The right kind of kissing and touching can go a long way towards soothing one's needs if it is truly fueled by lust and passion, rather than by a sense of obligation. And so lately I find myself wondering how to find this person who will lust after me with wild abandon. I'm not even sure if my wife has ever been that person, or if she could even become that person in the future. But if not my wife then who? And so I continue to search. Both within my marriage and outside of it. Looking for this elusive girl who might somehow make my life complete.

I don't remember when was the last time I held a girl in my arms and looked into her eyes and truly felt a connection with her. As if even for just a moment we are totally in agreement about everything. Not everything in the world. Just everything that matters at that moment. As if the other things don't matter. Either because they are inconsequential or because you don't know what they are yet or because you know what they are and they do matter but you just don't care because the moment right now is all that matters. I want to get back to that point. The point where it's all about us and the fact that we are together looking into each others eyes and the temperature of the room doesn't matter and whether the windows are open doesn't matter and whether people can hear us doesn't matter and whether we have to get up early tomorrow doesn't matter. And all we want to do is be with each other and find out more about each other. And we can hold each other for hours and still not want to let go. And we like everything that the other says and we like everything that we see about each other. Not that either of us is perfect and not that either of us is under the illusion that the other is perfect but just that the little inconsistencies are cute and endearing rather than annoying and nagging. And we hold each other because we are crazy about being close to each other and we want to touch each other because the urge is so strong and not because it's something that we feel like we should do because we haven't done it in a while and not because everyone says keeping a relationship going is a lot of work and you have to make an effort to keep the feeling alive. I want it to be an effort to pull away. I want it to be painful to be out of each other's sight. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach when I'm at work and she pops into my mind and I can't get anything done because all I can do is think of her and I have to get up and go outside and take a walk because I can't sit still thinking about her and how much I want to be with her and hold her and touch her hair and listen to her talk about anything or nothing because I like the sound of her voice and I like the way she thinks. And I call her on her cell phone not because I need to know whether one of us paid the credit card bill but because I just want to hear her pretty voice and she sends me an email that says something silly and makes me laugh when I'm on a conference call with some coworkers and they want to know what's so funny and I don't know what to tell them because the reason it's funny is because it came from her and she meant it to be funny and not because of any other reason that anyone else would understand.

You forget all these things as the years go by as if they never happened and then one day something unexpected happens that jogs your memory and it all comes rushing back reminding you of the way it was and you wonder if it's really just a reminder of the past or whether it could also be a reminder of what it could still be like in the future if things were somehow different.

Alex has, in a mere two sentences, explained something that I have been trying to find the words to say for a year and a half now. Simply put, he said:

...I have a spouse who is sometimes incapacitated when her disease exacerbates. My love for her and sense of obligation prevents me from ever leaving her.

I can't tell you how so totally well that statement describes my own marriage. You see, it's not just sexual problems that plague our marriage. In fact, the sexual issues are but a mere side effect of a much more serious condition that affects my wife in every aspect of her life, from eating to driving a car, and everything in between.

Sometimes she becomes completely debilitated by her illness. Other times, when it goes into remission, she is able to function almost normally. Almost. I'd rather not go into much more detail, other than to say that it's not in any way life-threatening. But at least hopefully you can now get a better understanding of where I'm coming from.

Thanks, Alex.