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There is a girl I had a crush on about a year ago. An online friend. I stumbled across her blog one day and fell in love with the way she writes. Eventually we started exchanging emails. And for three short weeks we corresponded, and I found myself thinking about her a lot. It was because of her that I wrote my post on June 22nd. I wanted so much to be able to meet her in person. But for some reason I eventually stopped writing to her. It seems strange now, looking back on it, that I stopped writing to her. I think I was surprised that I had developed such strong feelings for her in such a short amount of time, and maybe I was afraid that she wouldn't be as interested in me as I was in her. I also think I was skittish about the whole thing since she was the first girl I had ever really corresponded with online. And I guess I was afraid of putting a lot of energy into something that would surely never come to fruition due to the physical distance between us. So we lost touch. But I continued to read her blog. And, apparently, she continued to read mine. And then one day this past April she wrote to me. She had watched me change from a man who was simply a little frustrated with his marriage to a man who seemed to be actively looking for an affair, and she was concerned. Concerned because, you see, she had been there, and back, and had the scars to prove it. Even so, I'm finding it hard to heed her warning. I now believe (partly because of something she told me) that it's not really sex that I crave. Nor is it love. I have both already. The sex could be better and more frequent, but it's not like we never, ever do it. And the love is there in abundance. No, it's not sex or love that I crave. It's desire. And by that I mean that I crave a relationship with a woman who really, truly desires me. A woman who lusts after me. A woman who can't wait for me to come home from work so she can jump me and wrestle me to the floor and fuck me right there in the foyer. If I had someone who felt that way about me I'm not even sure that I would need to have full-blown sex. The right kind of kissing and touching can go a long way towards soothing one's needs if it is truly fueled by lust and passion, rather than by a sense of obligation. And so lately I find myself wondering how to find this person who will lust after me with wild abandon. I'm not even sure if my wife has ever been that person, or if she could even become that person in the future. But if not my wife then who? And so I continue to search. Both within my marriage and outside of it. Looking for this elusive girl who might somehow make my life complete.