logo by Thursday, June 17, 2004
I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of marriages fail because the marriage is expected to be the only place where companionship and sexual fulfillment can be obtained. That's a lot of pressure. Half of all marriages end in divorce, and at least another quarter are probably people who can't stand each other but are too afraid to get a divorce. I can't help but think that many of these marriages could be saved or improved if only we weren't so rigid in our definition of what can and cannot take place outside of the marriage.
If you and your spouse provide a happy home for your children, a comfortable place to come home to at the end of the day, and a retirement nest-egg for your senior years, but for whatever reason you are unable to provide for each other's sexual needs, then why shouldn't you be able to seek those needs outside of your marriage? Or maybe you love to go dancing, but your spouse has two left feet and no interest in it. Shouldn't you be able to go dancing with a sexy friend? Maybe you like to watch artsy foreign films, but your spouse prefers the mainstream stuff. Is there anything wrong with having a movie partner of the opposite sex? Maybe you like to go hiking or biking, but your spouse isn't very athletic. Is there anything wrong with having an attractive sports partner? Maybe your sex life is good, but your partner just isn't into oral. Would it be wrong to have an occasional 69 buffet with your dance partner. Or your artsy film partner? Or your hiking partner?
These kinds of activities can really provide a much-needed pressure-release for a marriage that is otherwise solid. But not being allowed to do these things can only lead to frustration, anger, and divorce. If you love each other and are committed to sticking with each other for emotional and financial support, and if you are committed to providing a quality upbringing for any kids you might have, then I don't see how a little leniency in the fulfillment of personal desires could possibly hurt. Maybe you're worried about ruining your relationship, but I think you're much more likely to ruin your relationship by creating boundaries and obstacles that keep your spouse from achieving happiness.
Alas, my wife thinks this is all horseshit. So if I were to ever participate in some sort of "indiscretion," I would have to do so without her knowledge. Telling her about it would make it much worse, and the stress I would feel from her anger would surely overshadow any happiness that I might achieve from being with another woman. Discussions we've had in the past have made it painfully clear to me that she would never be open to any kind of extra-marital activities no matter how frustrated I might get at the lack of such activities within our own relationship.
So I would do it on the sly. But I would do it with the personal conviction that what I was doing was ultimately the best thing for me, my wife, and our children.
If you and your spouse provide a happy home for your children, a comfortable place to come home to at the end of the day, and a retirement nest-egg for your senior years, but for whatever reason you are unable to provide for each other's sexual needs, then why shouldn't you be able to seek those needs outside of your marriage? Or maybe you love to go dancing, but your spouse has two left feet and no interest in it. Shouldn't you be able to go dancing with a sexy friend? Maybe you like to watch artsy foreign films, but your spouse prefers the mainstream stuff. Is there anything wrong with having a movie partner of the opposite sex? Maybe you like to go hiking or biking, but your spouse isn't very athletic. Is there anything wrong with having an attractive sports partner? Maybe your sex life is good, but your partner just isn't into oral. Would it be wrong to have an occasional 69 buffet with your dance partner. Or your artsy film partner? Or your hiking partner?
These kinds of activities can really provide a much-needed pressure-release for a marriage that is otherwise solid. But not being allowed to do these things can only lead to frustration, anger, and divorce. If you love each other and are committed to sticking with each other for emotional and financial support, and if you are committed to providing a quality upbringing for any kids you might have, then I don't see how a little leniency in the fulfillment of personal desires could possibly hurt. Maybe you're worried about ruining your relationship, but I think you're much more likely to ruin your relationship by creating boundaries and obstacles that keep your spouse from achieving happiness.
Alas, my wife thinks this is all horseshit. So if I were to ever participate in some sort of "indiscretion," I would have to do so without her knowledge. Telling her about it would make it much worse, and the stress I would feel from her anger would surely overshadow any happiness that I might achieve from being with another woman. Discussions we've had in the past have made it painfully clear to me that she would never be open to any kind of extra-marital activities no matter how frustrated I might get at the lack of such activities within our own relationship.
So I would do it on the sly. But I would do it with the personal conviction that what I was doing was ultimately the best thing for me, my wife, and our children.
